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BCB blames Zaid Hamid’s deceptive propaganda for Asia Cup loss

28 Mar

In a rather bizarre follow-up to ACC’s rejection of BCB’s earlier appeal regarding last over collision, it seems that BCB cricket operations chairman Enayet Hossain Siraj will not just let the big bad boys bully the minnows any longer.

In startling claim, Siraj claimed that the real reason Bangladesh lost was due to ‘constant and deceptive propaganda done by a nostalgic facebook page owned by a certain Syed Zaid Zaman Hamid’.

“He constantly kept telling our nation that somehow Pakistanis and us are actually one and their is no need to worry over trivial things such as winning he cup!”, furious Siraj exclaimed while smashing his fist over the table.

In an hour long press conference, Siraj revealed that BCB will be filing another appeal to review the Asia Cup final result because the propagandist had addled Bangladesh cricketers brains. In his own words, this came under ‘cross-nation-hypnotism-fixing which is more dangerous than any other kind of fixing’.

“He even came to greet our players before the match. He must have continued spreading his deceptive notions to our players and since they are a young team they fell into his trap,” Sajid was quoted as saying while being on the verge of tears. “How else can you explain Mushfiqur giving the final over to Shahadat Hussain? Look at his age, he is just 23. At this age, it is easy for cheap mentalists to take control of the youth’s mind”.

Sajid was quick to dismiss any blame on Mushfiqur though. “Of course by the time he realized what had happened we lost the match. That is why he is the most visible player crying as he knew how his innocent mind was tricked”, he said.

Mushfiqur Rehman however showed complete surprise at the details of press conference. “If he is talking about a crazy fan who managed to enter our dressing room and kept calling himself a *faqeer*, I thought he was a Bangladeshi”, he shared.

“Of course my brain has not been addled”, he clarified while snapping at the journalist who made the query. Which was than followed by Mushfiqur getting in Tamim’s shirt sobbing hard. Tamim however was unfazed and kept admiring his check for being the coolest player of the tournament.

On being contacted Zaid Hamid confirmed that he did indeed go to Bangladesh dressing room, but that was because he considered it territory of Pakistan and did not see any point why this should be any issue.

“Alhumdulillah our azan did not go unheard and Bangladeshi players played like Pakistanis. They also crumbled while chasing a target after being in a good position. This again proves that deep down, they are still Pakistani and the tears of the players which you saw after the match were the tears of joy. The silence in the crowd was because they were in awe of the glory of our great nation Pakistan, which at the same time became winner as well as runner up of the Asia cup”, Hamid presented his detailed observation.

When this blogger contacted renowned columnist Nadeem F. Paracha to get his take on the recent events, he suggested that BCB chairman was probably giving way too much credit to Zaid Hamid and only real effect Hamid can give to this world is the need for aspirin.

He also made some redundant joke involving camels, but due to its stale nature, it is not being mentioned here.

When the tiger roars! O wait …

26 Mar

On March 22nd, Cricket world saw something that was never witnessed before. Previously considered minnows and one hit wonder tigers, on the third occasion of the same tournament, made another test playing nation sweat over an ODI match and came very close to lifting first ever real trophy which involved more than two cricket playing nations. It was no fluke. It was no luck. It was consistent resilience shown by the team who had the hunger and will to win the tournament more than other three teams combined.

But It was not enough. What followed after that was a group of grown men looking vividly in the sky, while tears floated down their cheeks. But it was not like what cricketing world now recalls officially as Sreesanth-looking-for-mommy-after-being-spanked-by-bhaji incident. They were like tears of heroes. Every one started showering praises. It would have been better if large %age of ‘everyone’ did not include Athar Ali Khan, but still, it was every one. They were like wounded soldiers who gave up every thing they had against a much larger force.

On second thought, they could just be …. you know tears. You know like toddler tears? Or like the time where you started crying when you brought the cricket accessories to the ground (read: your local muhalla street) and found that no one wanted to get you in your team? In short, like tears of whiners?

If you look closely you may see a tear trickling down tiger's mustache

The debacle that followed certainly makes it look like that way. One can ignore the silence and the boos which welcomed Pakistani players in the stadium after the win considering the fact that it was their first shot at such a big title or the childish act of PM Hasina Wajid, but how to justify waking up two days after the match and thinking they could get 5 extra runs out of an arguably unintentional collision which no umpire/referee reported?

Its like BCB is attempting very hard to bitch-slap any ounce of pride which their team gained during the tournament. And to gain what? The appeal has been rejected before the formal letter being sent. Surprise surprise!

What? Does this mean we lost again? 😦

I would get out one thing straight thought. I have never been able to relate myself to Bangladesh in any sort of way. 1971 occurred way before I was born and although I feel sad and consider it as a reminder of how dictatorships split nations, that is just it. I mean at least with India, I can share a hate relationship, while with Bangladesh its just plain indifference. Ask any dejected drunkard lover. He would prefer hate than indifference ANY DAY.

Speaking of drunkards, Qibla Zaid Zaman Hamid Ghazi Al Hindi had left a very heart warming message for Bangali biradars. Wonder what he has to say now.

And if Qibla‘s message was not ‘loving’ enough, the comment right up there can really help lighten the mood right? I mean whats more loving gesture than attacking the separate identity of the nation which gained its independence from you people? That will surely help cheer up the already ‘lively’ mood they are in because of us.

Mujra of adhocism

13 Feb

It seems for more than a decade now that Pakistan is running on ad hoc basis just like its cricket board. The phrase ‘prevention is better than cure’ perhaps has never came across our leader’s minds who in order to cope with natural disasters went into ad hoc reactionary mode rather than plan for long term basis. The prime examples of course off late are dengue crisis, floods, the killer medicine and so on.

The policy it seems has effected overall the psyche of every one in Pakistan. We try to abrupt actions (or reactions I should say) whenever an unexpected happens. Team performing badly? Blame Misbah! Team performing good? Hail Misbah! A TV host gone Vigil-Aunty? Sack the host and do not ponder on how it boiled down to that point. A bomb exploded somewhere? Distribute the money to deceased’s families and promise for investigations and better intelligence in future. a killer drug does mazurka? Start the blame game from federal to provincial to inter city conspiracy.

What best example would be to explain this psyche other than the politicians? People changing their stances more often than Children do nappies. They make ad hoc u turns whenever they feel like it. Let’s take Sheikh Rasheed for instance. I do not know whether many people remember his interviews with Dr Shahid Masood before elections in which he used to boost about the fact that next elections would be between liberals and conservative and PPP along-with PML-Q (including himself) will make an alliance.

Elections happened. The prophecy which initially was unfulfilled got fulfilled later but due to altogether different reasons.

Still Rawalpindi’s blue eyed boy got nothing out of it but empty hands. Now the gentle man is attending jahidist conferences and has shifted 180 degrees. He will be as quick to jump off that ship as well as soon as he find coast guard service that can save him from drowning.

Jokes about MQM’s ad hoc shift of policies have gone so stale that I do not even have any punches left for that. Or perhaps I do not want to get a punch from bhai log.

But the most interesting ad hoc decisions can be seen from showdown between PML-N and PTI. It seems both parties in their bid to make quick pins over the other either lashes out at the other’s policy or adopts it itself with their own brand name. Indeed attempts by PTI to send Ejaz Chaudhry to every mullah convention might be just to have their own Rana sahab in order to get on the right side of right wingers.

But nothing matches Shahbaz Sharif’s latest stroke of a genius. It all started of course with the 30 October Tsunami. And just like our leaders cope with natural disasters, PML-N decided to cope this new possible political disaster with many quick fire jibes and ad hoc schemes. It tried to push Mariam Nawaz as a leader of ‘youth’. That move backfired faster than Ian Bell’s average time spent on the pitch during the last test series. I mean honestly how in the world did PML-N expect to win sympathy of those who are already fed up of dynastic politics? Calling Mariam Nawaz a leader of youth is like calling Obama a symbol of change.

I mean that move was seriously ill panned and perfect example of ad hoc decision making when facing an issue. Than perhaps they though to do something tangible to appease the youth. A long term planner would have probably suggested serious educational reforms, creating opportunities for employment, not damaging Lahore’s cultural essence perhaps? Or may be, just MAY BE, some sane head would have suggested not to screw up children’s future by actually producing a correct result for higher secondary education?

But of course it had to be done quickly and without any plan whatsoever. And hurray! Distribute laptops among students like candies to children? Who cares! Its not like the bill has to come to Raiwind is it?

But event that was not convincing enough. Shocker! So now we come down to stroke of a genius we were talking about. Latest move to ‘appease’ the youth is to put mujra CDs among software ones along-with the free laptops being given. I mean it is all about keeping ‘youth’ happy isn’t it? And generally youth of Pakistan is not known to think from what is up there in their heads. I can not name from where they are known to think.

So that’s it, that is the answer. A quick ad hoc move that will certainly make youth go to stamp the lion symbols on the polling day. Shahbaz Sahrif can afford a well deserved rest and PTI will have to think of something else to appease the youth because hearing Imran Khan’s pre -recorded voice unexpectedly over your phone is simply gay.

Somewhere in his lounge, Waseem Akhtar is probably having a satisfactory smile while smoking two bori-band.