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PCB plans to hold series in Mars

1 Jun

After the refusal of Sri Lanka Cricket Board to host a series between Australia and the inevitable anticipated rejection from BCCI, PCB has decided to hold the series on another neural venue i.e planet Mars. PCB media spokesperson informing the details of the decision informed dumb founded media personnel that they first considered Venus but the idea was rejected as Australians showed concerns over the ‘possible’ amount of heat on the planet as their players feel they will find i difficult to adapt to the conditions.

The memo sent by ACB to PCB read something like on the lines of ‘You-gotta-be-f**kin-kidding-me’.

Pakistan players however felt disappointed and expressed regret over the fact that Venus suited Pakistan’s conditions more and it was like playing at home.

“Honestly there is not much difference if you have already had practice sessions in Gaddafi Stadium now a days”, said Misbah. It was difficult to judge whether he was happy or sad over the decision.

One Pakistan player on the condition of anonymity* said that Venus held the advantage in a way in case Misbah is stuck with one of his ‘building’ innings routine, it would be easier for him to attempt a suicide by jumping over to the neighboring sun.

“Its ingenious! I do not know why I did not think of it before. No one lives there, so no one can refuse our request”, said an unusually jubilant PCB chief, Zaka Ashraf.

 

US secretary of State, Mrs. Clinton showed concerns and revealed that hey have strong intelligence that Darth Vader is hiding in North Waziristan and may get on board on the rocket that will take Pakistan team to Mars. She also suggested the fear that disgraced Jedi might attack Australian team on Mars as well to announce his new reign of terror and hence Pakistan should do more to aid in his capture.

 

When Pakistan’s interior minister was asked about Mrs. Clinton’s remarks, a bewildered Rehman Malik exclaimed he did not who the f**k this Darth Vader was, but vowed to track him down if the US shared their intelligence with Pakistan.

Yuh right!

 

 

PCB chairman Ashraf however remained positive. Sharing the security plan for the series due to rumored threats by Darth Vader, Zaka said he had personally contacted Spock for overseeing the arrangements and that starship Enterprise will be taking care of any external or internal threats.  When this reporter contacted Mr. Spock however, he said that Ashraf probably confuses courtesy of Vulcan salute with a victory sign in agreement.

When Ashraf was asked how PCB was planning to profit from the venture since there will be no spectators in Mars, he simply glared at the reporter, flared his nostrils and blew some air upwards towards his mustaches.

It appears however that the decision did not go well with an eastern neighbor i.e India. Prime Minister Manmohan Singh urged United States and UN security council to interfere, suggesting that this plan might just be cover for an attempt to declare Mars as a Pakistan territory. He also directed Indian scientists to blow up Mars with atomic weapons, but the rocket carrying the weapons to Mars could not start up after ignition.

And than he just sat there, silently

In other news, just few hours after the press conference by PCB media spokesperson, chief justice Muhammad Iftikhar Chaudhry took a sou moto notice on the report of corruption scandal in funds for stadium being built for the series in Mars. The report appeared in one of the afternoon daily newspaper, on which Chief Justice was having a samosa. Some believe he was just pissed by too much oil in the samosa. A separate low profile contempt notices were sent Cafeteria manager of the Supreme court premises as well. Supreme Court has further given a stay order against any such series being held until further notice. Notices have been issued to Chairman PCB,  President Asif Ali Zardari, Ambassador of Pakistan to Mars and Spock. Spock has already filed the reply with the registrar containing a scanned image of his Vulcan middle finger salute.

*The player can often be seen in shampoo ads.

BCB blames Zaid Hamid’s deceptive propaganda for Asia Cup loss

28 Mar

In a rather bizarre follow-up to ACC’s rejection of BCB’s earlier appeal regarding last over collision, it seems that BCB cricket operations chairman Enayet Hossain Siraj will not just let the big bad boys bully the minnows any longer.

In startling claim, Siraj claimed that the real reason Bangladesh lost was due to ‘constant and deceptive propaganda done by a nostalgic facebook page owned by a certain Syed Zaid Zaman Hamid’.

“He constantly kept telling our nation that somehow Pakistanis and us are actually one and their is no need to worry over trivial things such as winning he cup!”, furious Siraj exclaimed while smashing his fist over the table.

In an hour long press conference, Siraj revealed that BCB will be filing another appeal to review the Asia Cup final result because the propagandist had addled Bangladesh cricketers brains. In his own words, this came under ‘cross-nation-hypnotism-fixing which is more dangerous than any other kind of fixing’.

“He even came to greet our players before the match. He must have continued spreading his deceptive notions to our players and since they are a young team they fell into his trap,” Sajid was quoted as saying while being on the verge of tears. “How else can you explain Mushfiqur giving the final over to Shahadat Hussain? Look at his age, he is just 23. At this age, it is easy for cheap mentalists to take control of the youth’s mind”.

Sajid was quick to dismiss any blame on Mushfiqur though. “Of course by the time he realized what had happened we lost the match. That is why he is the most visible player crying as he knew how his innocent mind was tricked”, he said.

Mushfiqur Rehman however showed complete surprise at the details of press conference. “If he is talking about a crazy fan who managed to enter our dressing room and kept calling himself a *faqeer*, I thought he was a Bangladeshi”, he shared.

“Of course my brain has not been addled”, he clarified while snapping at the journalist who made the query. Which was than followed by Mushfiqur getting in Tamim’s shirt sobbing hard. Tamim however was unfazed and kept admiring his check for being the coolest player of the tournament.

On being contacted Zaid Hamid confirmed that he did indeed go to Bangladesh dressing room, but that was because he considered it territory of Pakistan and did not see any point why this should be any issue.

“Alhumdulillah our azan did not go unheard and Bangladeshi players played like Pakistanis. They also crumbled while chasing a target after being in a good position. This again proves that deep down, they are still Pakistani and the tears of the players which you saw after the match were the tears of joy. The silence in the crowd was because they were in awe of the glory of our great nation Pakistan, which at the same time became winner as well as runner up of the Asia cup”, Hamid presented his detailed observation.

When this blogger contacted renowned columnist Nadeem F. Paracha to get his take on the recent events, he suggested that BCB chairman was probably giving way too much credit to Zaid Hamid and only real effect Hamid can give to this world is the need for aspirin.

He also made some redundant joke involving camels, but due to its stale nature, it is not being mentioned here.

When the tiger roars! O wait …

26 Mar

On March 22nd, Cricket world saw something that was never witnessed before. Previously considered minnows and one hit wonder tigers, on the third occasion of the same tournament, made another test playing nation sweat over an ODI match and came very close to lifting first ever real trophy which involved more than two cricket playing nations. It was no fluke. It was no luck. It was consistent resilience shown by the team who had the hunger and will to win the tournament more than other three teams combined.

But It was not enough. What followed after that was a group of grown men looking vividly in the sky, while tears floated down their cheeks. But it was not like what cricketing world now recalls officially as Sreesanth-looking-for-mommy-after-being-spanked-by-bhaji incident. They were like tears of heroes. Every one started showering praises. It would have been better if large %age of ‘everyone’ did not include Athar Ali Khan, but still, it was every one. They were like wounded soldiers who gave up every thing they had against a much larger force.

On second thought, they could just be …. you know tears. You know like toddler tears? Or like the time where you started crying when you brought the cricket accessories to the ground (read: your local muhalla street) and found that no one wanted to get you in your team? In short, like tears of whiners?

If you look closely you may see a tear trickling down tiger's mustache

The debacle that followed certainly makes it look like that way. One can ignore the silence and the boos which welcomed Pakistani players in the stadium after the win considering the fact that it was their first shot at such a big title or the childish act of PM Hasina Wajid, but how to justify waking up two days after the match and thinking they could get 5 extra runs out of an arguably unintentional collision which no umpire/referee reported?

Its like BCB is attempting very hard to bitch-slap any ounce of pride which their team gained during the tournament. And to gain what? The appeal has been rejected before the formal letter being sent. Surprise surprise!

What? Does this mean we lost again? 😦

I would get out one thing straight thought. I have never been able to relate myself to Bangladesh in any sort of way. 1971 occurred way before I was born and although I feel sad and consider it as a reminder of how dictatorships split nations, that is just it. I mean at least with India, I can share a hate relationship, while with Bangladesh its just plain indifference. Ask any dejected drunkard lover. He would prefer hate than indifference ANY DAY.

Speaking of drunkards, Qibla Zaid Zaman Hamid Ghazi Al Hindi had left a very heart warming message for Bangali biradars. Wonder what he has to say now.

And if Qibla‘s message was not ‘loving’ enough, the comment right up there can really help lighten the mood right? I mean whats more loving gesture than attacking the separate identity of the nation which gained its independence from you people? That will surely help cheer up the already ‘lively’ mood they are in because of us.