Factors to help get hits on social media

If yo are a struggling blogger and want people to visit your blog often, following is a list of pointers that help (in no particular order):

Zaid Hamid/Camels/Arabs

At some pint in time during the era of ‘enlightened moderation’ (yuh right!), someone decided it would be pretty cool to ignite the enlightened feeling of patriotism in the youth of Pakistan by starting a cult of laal topi, self proclaimed mujahid-cum-faqeer-cum-sufi-cum-muazzan NOBODY, who would inform bunch of sorry excuses for slackers, what their ears would love to hear i.e they are the superior nation above all others, chosen to do God’s bidding. After all who would mind the idea of holding such importance, specially when in actual they hold no serious significance in real life.

I do not look constipated. Its my being-important look (Photo: laaltain.com)

While on one hand this phenomena helped fuel dangerous type of superiority complex in already naive minds, on the other hand it opened up gates to series of one liner puns/satire articles/social and cultural criticism blogs for many times to come, mainly due to retarded persona of the main man behind the whole ISPR project campaign and the frequent blunders he made. While some used the issue to highlight growing concern about the urban middle class’s psyche or the occasional jibes and satires, some people made him a permanent subject of their every article that followed to date. Its a strategy that never fails. And if you can add somethings about how primitive Arabs are and something about the camels its an extra bonus. Basically this category writers originally were just writing about camels and Arabs only. After Zaid Hamid’s emergence, they have added him to their main puns while Arabs and camels are just a side jokes. Even after the cult of Ziad Hamid ultimately fell to its inevitable doom, this category writers kept beating his name because their pay checks depended on it. Plus there was one major factor i.e online Indian readers would always love a Zaid Hamid joke, no matter how stale it might be. And considering the population of India, is a pretty good chunk of favorable hits on your blog/article.

Why no body write about me

If you are thinking of using this factor and still keep the originality than use it as a passing jokes in your blogs and occasionally write one of the fictional satirical stories involving him. I have also used this strategy and most of the hits  (as expected) on my blog were from India. If you do not wish to be original about it, than who cares? Indians will still tweet about it anyway.

See the trend/Pick a side

More often than not, something happens that creates a shitstorm in the social media circles. There was that Amir liaqat video leak, Maya Khan’s date raids, facebook ban, Sialkot lynch mob and countless other incidents which have over different periods of time created a series of articles, facebook statuses and tweet/re-tweets. The trick to write something about them is the timing. If you are even one week slow to pick on the trend, than forget about it and move on. Because there is a thing about current state of Pakistan’s media. Its probably too much for its target audience. One thing comes and another makes it fade away. After all, human mind can only contain limited information that it can focus on.

I didn’t even feel the need to scratch my shoulders, punk!

Sometimes there is not a need for any event to happen to make social circles talk about it. Every once in a while someone would share an opinion in any of the articles/blogs that will grab every one’s attention. Most likely its title would sound like an attack on certain circles of media or society in general. And for some days people will just talk about it, either in support of that opinion or against it. You need to pick one side at this point, find every thing you can against it and use it in a rebuttal of your own.

Do not waste your energies on trivial articles. Make sure you have chosen a worthy one that has a considerable amount of social media audience which is interested in the topic. Most recent example of such case Dr Hoodboy’s proud testimony of bayghairati (no pun intended), which generated fair pieces of rebuttals varying from average bloggers to seasoned authors, which of course also indicates that the names involved should be of worthy note as well.

Give sense of purpose

Here’s a fun fact about humans: No one likes to hear that they are useless.

So it is always an added bonus if you manage to convince people that supporting your opinion may bring some change. There are no better examples for this than the cases of Maya Khan and Meher Bukhari. A section of social activists felt proud that at least they managed to produce something tangible in the world besides tweeting their frustrations. This gave them sense of achievement and the higher number of re-tweets and every body lived happily ever after.

Including both the anchors of course, when they moved to a bigger channel with more money. Remember what I said about memory in the last section?

In case you are wondering, yes she is indeed laughing AT YOU!

Keep the hate mail coming

Some people suffer from what the psychological experts describe as getting-boners-from-hate-mail-syndrome. If you are one of them than you are in luck because this will help you generate lot of hits. And since you rather enjoy virtual insults, threats in the comments section anger should not bother you much. After all its better to piss people off virtually than on their face, so its a win-win situation.

One example of how hate mail can be used as an advantage is his piece with a title and a picture intended to sere the purpose i.e more hits and hate comments. In the author’s own words:

I have been asked to comment on this picture by the blog editor of The Express Tribune, probably because the last time I blogged about the niqab, I took a controversial stance that earned me hundreds of comments, at least a thousand “likes” and retweets on Facebook and Twitter, and the ire of several dozen internet trolls who branded me as the blogger who “supports nudity”.

Yes, we all know why the editor asked you to. It was not about making a point I imagine because I didn’t get any after reading the whole piece.

Religion

Basically this section is also associated to the earlier section of hate mail. Except that in this case, the word ‘hate’ is most likely I-will-fu**ing-kill-you equivalent.

Apparently, religion is one of the most sensitive aspects of human life. Or should I say, the ways of the forefathers are. Of course people find to hear that, what they have been following over the years might have some problem. So basically you can use the emotion to your added advantage if you can basically pin the blame of everything wrong with this world to religion. Even if it has nothing to do with it. I have even read articles that suggest that just because someone tends to recite Ayatul Kursi for protection, he/she is more prone to being careless about real safety measures. Or the education problem in Pakistan is due to the fact people prefer Hakeems rather than doctors. Notice that Hakeem itself has nothing to do with religion. But reading it, people get the idea of bearded mulla. It is your own artistic skill that will make this problem look like its a religious one.

Veena Malik

I know I said this list is without any particular order  but evidence suggests that probably this factor is No.1 in the list. The famous mufti sahab episode of her interview with Kamran Shahid is anchor’s highest rated show till date and at that time it was the highest rated show on prime time so far. When ET published 2011′s year’s most popular topics of its website, the blogs about about that episode were at the top. When Nadia Khan wanted to do a show on her return, Veena was the topic she picked up. For over a good period of the month 2 out of 4 recommended pages on ET have been related to Veena, whether they hold any meaning or not.

Imran Khan

If you combine all that is written above in one package, except for Veena who does not fit in the package (pun intended) and use all that for only one subject over and over again, that subject would be called Imran Khan. You can add him to your daily one liner jokes about Zaid Hamid / Hamid Gul types. You can pick a side i.e for or against him and start a heated discussion in the comments section. You can be sure to receive floods of hate mail whenever you write anything against him. You can also the technique of attacking religion by showing off Imran Khan as a fundamentalist. Because he IS popular in youth, has a strong fan following plus circle of harsh critics, you can be assured anything you write about him will definitely score some valuable points.

I wouldn’t suggest what this author here has concluded. He is not the target of any ‘Goebbels’ vendetta’. But his definitely is used because it sells. Indeed their seem to be authors who have made a career out of him. I am not saying they do not write about anything else. I am just saying no body notices whatever other things they may write about. Plus they have the tendency of writing his name just for the sake of it in things that do not even relate him. And the trend is not just limited to wannabe intellectuals, but even holyshit-why-this-nuclear-physicist-does-not-focus-n-his-own-job types also use it often. Why Dr. sahab why? Why are you content that Dr Abdul Salam should be the only noble prize winner in Pakistan? Is the hate mail really worth it or are you expecting a noble peace prize? (Yuh right!)

The e$$ence of $hirk and continous decline of media

Disclaimer: I have tried to write this article in a way that it may not smell in anyway of sectarianism. But  still, if any of the content disturbs any man of faith, than let it be known, it is only because of you.

وَإِذْ قَالَ لُقْمَانُ لِابْنِهِ وَهُوَ يَعِظُهُ يَا بُنَيَّ لَا تُشْرِكْ بِاللَّهِ ۖ إِنَّ الشِّرْكَ لَظُلْمٌ عَظِيمٌ {13}

[Shakir 31:13] And when Luqman said to his son while he admonished him: O my son! do not associate aught with Allah; most surely polytheism is a grievous iniquity–

The arabic word لَظُلْمٌ literal meaning is to place something out of its proper place. When a human being puts his own life in the hands of some idol which can bestow no favor upon him, he has not only done لَظُلْمٌ with the Creator and Sustainer, but with his own soul as well. At the end of the day he is conned into something which has no profitable effect on him. People often talk of shirk as injustice to God, but if you look more closely it should not bother a bey-niaz God. Why than it is the biggest sin? Because by indulging in it, man has actually lowered his own worth. It is by knowing one’s self that a man can truly understand God.

Quran in many of its verses has asked mankind to ponder upon its own creation. Humans are the best of the creations and human mind is capable of performing wonders which a man himself can not fathom at start. And yet even today, man is compelled to indulge in such hocus-pocus that one wonders how a human mind at one time can elevate itself to seven heavens and while at other times sink to the depths of existence.

Contrary to what people may think, shirk has more to do with human’s personal life rather than just a set of beliefs. It appears that demi gods need to be satisfied over time with expensive gifts and luxurious offerings. A God does not need gold offerings or ridiculous clock towers around His house.

They ask thee what they should spend (In charity). Say: Whatever ye spend that is good, is for parents and kindred and orphans and those in want and for wayfarers. And whatever ye do that is good, -Allah knoweth it well.
( سورة البقرة , Al-Baqara, Chapter #2, Verse #215)

But since demi gods are created by humans, they require high maintenance. Men whose bread and butter depends upon people $erving the demi gods would never want humans to interact with God directly cutting the middle man or idol in between. That is why in Islam in its original form it is forbidden to charge for teaching Quran, religious guidance or any other form of preaching.

But man would not let that happen. Sometimes the rulers themselves act like demi gods. No wonder a major  part of human history involves kings and caliphs who either claimed to be manifestations of God themselves or His chosen ones.  Thinking of Pakistan we are still living in malukiat where either someone just takes the  throne himself by an iron fist or we keep giving our own fates in hands of  incompetent and callous people . Sometimes these demi gods appear in form of humans wearing religious cloaks and titles. They would want a qari to help you recite (not understand) Quran, an orator to mint money by making people wail over religious tragedy, a pandit to recite rituals of scattering ashes of dead father in the sacred water, a priest to listen to the sins you have committed, something which is between you and your God, and to ensure that you funds are properly being used for the welfare of the ‘people of God’. Or if you are of a less skeptic nature, perhaps a pir to keep you safe from all the ailments that may or may not befall you.

The middle man does not wish to leave you, because the middle man has to earn his bread after all.

But of course some have bigger appetites than others. For instance there lives a pir sahab in one of the very posh residential areas of Lahore, whose porch is always filled with cars such as Mercedes, BMWs, Prados, Pajeros and God-knows-what-else-luxury vehicles. This Pir sahab charges tens of thousands of rupees per sitting to ‘cure’ ailments varying from cancer to black magic. There is no money back guarantee of course, because if you are not cured, it is because you have not put up enough faith or you failed to do things according to his directives. I am not aware if he has actually cured anyone or not (however I know someone whom he has not), but he has very powerful friends or should I say mureed. One would think that healers would have time for the unfortunate ones who can not afford heavy prices as well, but of course it is too much to ask. After all how can one find time for the poor when there are worthy people available. Perhaps I should not be too cynic.

Sad part involving all this is that 1. It is not limited to uneducated people only 2. The trend does not seem to go down. That is the reason perhaps our morning shows have dedicated special weeks and programs for pir sahibs to ‘heal’ our nation. I happened to see one of such instances:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPWiR0KMVag

Here is Baba Jhanday Wala (so much for the creativity in choosing then name) curing people through live calls to save them from djinies, break black magic curses, or cure fertility problems of dejected couples . And if you are not convinced from his name that he is for real, you just need to watch his ‘miracles’ and be enlightened. . Behold! Following are the ultimate steps done by the Baba G to prove that he is for real:

Step A: Listen to the problem of  the aggrieved.

Step B: Hold a tasbeeh between his fingers.

Step C: If it moves to and fro, announce that the problem will be solved. If it doesn’t, then  Baba jee will do something about it.

Only if all the world’s problems could end with the motion of a tasbeeh. Baba ji informs us that he does not charge for his services. Although people on mazaars sometimes give him 2 thousand or 5 thousand for a  single taweez. Open ended business helps in no tax returns you know. Baba ji informs us that we should not have faith in him ( duh!), but to have faith in the Quran he is holding. Incidentally,  which chapter of Quran  prescribes this method for curing the ailments?  Prophet SAW was advised to recite Surah Naas and Falaq, while we need to sit and watch a man making funny faces to calm our nerves?

This kind of thing has implications far worse than what may seem. Over reliance and faith in what healers or fortune tellers may say can break houses. In one of ARY DIGITAL’s fortune telling show ‘Sitaron say agay ‘, once a caller wanted to inquire about the reason for her not having son when the fertility tests the couple had done had come out fine.  According to host’s claim however, his hisab suggested that the problem lay with the husband. I do not know what happened in the house after that call had been completed.

Instead of media being used to project knowledge, we are projecting kala jadu or us kay tor . On more than one occasion, weeks have been dedicated for different morning shows for airing specifically this type of garbage. God wants humans to widen their horizon while we are hell bent on descending down the depths of ignorance.

Pimping the impact of sight

Hajjaj Bin Yousuf was probably one of the worst tyrants Islamic history has ever seen. He killed men by tens of thousands, attacked companions of Prophet SAW and targeted the Kaaba itself. While many would frown at the last deed the most, Prophet SAW himself valued believer’s life more than the Kaaba itself according to the hadith. And why wouldn’t he? Human life is precious. There are many other examples in history of  the world as well of butchers of human bodies. When we read about them today, words can not make the same impact today compared to those who would have seen them. In modern times, such acts are unheard of. Because tyrants of today have gotten smarter. Now they use flying aircrafts if they need to kill tens of thousands. Apparently explosions do not make that much of an impact as may be someone executing enemies in a conventional throat slitting ways. So tyrants of today end up getting nobel prize for ending the wars they themselves fueled.

In May 2008 an angry mob in Karachi set two thieves on fire. From that point onward there have been few other cases of mob justice in Karachi where some culprits have been beaten to death while some paraded with blackened faces. Of course the trend is not limited to Karachi. Most recently, in Multan a robber who was involved in a murder, was stoned to death by the angry mob. His accomplice after seeing the man’s face took his own life to ‘save’ himself from being on the receiving end of such a fate.

But none of these incidents created a stir and shock that happened after the Sialkot incident when two alleged robber brothers were beaten to death with bats and sticks. I have never experienced being burnt alive or getting a beat of a lifetime so I wouldn’t know which case would have been worse. But I imagine being burned alive wouldn’t be any less painful than being beaten to death.

But why the Karachi incident did not incite the same reaction as the Sialkot one? Why no blogs/articles/tweets/re-tweets were shared for that incident?

The reason is simple. Sialkot incident was captured by a device which is commonly known as ‘camera’. When people saw that horrible scene most were dumb founded. Many claim they could not sleep properly for days. The memory of that incident probably lives in every house of Pakistan which owns a TV. The Almighty camera did the trick and gave every one some reason to bitch around a bit more. Articles, their rebuttals, talk shows, news etc were all about that incident for the few coming days.

In today’s world we need to see the picture to be jolted (only for a moment though) to remind us that there are children dying in Africa or being killed in Israel.

And in the battle of today’s ratings for TV channels the best way is to find a way to make people watch the channel or talk about it. So no matter how disturbing the content is, if you are in-charge of news room of a Pakistani channel, all you need to do is NEVER LET THE CAMERA TURN OFF! The gorier the better. You need to capture the event thoroughly, gloat about being the first TV channel to give live coverage to the incident, make your crew shove microphones in front of affected people of any tragedy (better if they are crying at that moment) and edit the videos by adding some cheesy songs to it.

I once saw news editor in chief of a major English newspaper speak in a talk show in which he was harping about the fact that media does not need to have any code imposed on it as it can rectify its own mistakes. The show was about the fallout of infamous Maya Khan incident. Interestingly after some weeks when people’s memory faded away, Maya Khan was hired by another news channel where she is still hosting the show while gloating about her piety all the while.

That can be excused as a non serious issue. But what to do with the style of media reporting of incidents like the Bhoja Air crash? Our media has become a mafia which does not want to be tamed, neither is interested in rectifying its own mistakes as it has not happened for the first time. The memory of Air Blue crash has not yet faded away. That time as well, every one criticized media and its role as harshly as anyone could but when the same thing happens within the second anniversary year of that incident, why there is no change in the attitude of reporting? Media wants to become the sole morality judge while does not wish itself to be under any kind of scrutiny. And than some people have the audacity to cry about unnecessary censorships. Free speech is practiced across many countries. In how many of them, have channels been showing constant corpses, melodramatic musicals of national tragedies, take interviews of terrorists or give air time to people calling for/supporting the murder of the governor of its biggest province?

Reason why media is in such a state may have multiple factors behind it. But to illustrate one of them let us take a quiz, shall we?

Q 1. Which channel does the most awful melodramatic reporting?
Q 2. Which channel do you tune into whenever you wish to know details of any breaking news?

If the answer of both of the above questions is the same channel, than I guess it can give you the fair idea of why there has been no improvement in our way of reporting.

When I heard the news of the tragedy yesterday I switched off all the news channels. But due to bad habits and addiction, could not really sign off from my social sites. Many people were citing many examples of how disgusted they were feeling of the corpses being shown, ridiculous questions being asked from victim’s families and the obnoxious lust of news channels. Why not switch the damn TV off if it is bothering you that much?

Until we learn to use our remote control, I am afraid no matter how many tweets or blogs are written, the behavior of media will hardly change.

They should rethink their strategies again though. Kevin Carter who won the Pulitzer prize for his photograph of the Sudanese kid besides the vulture, ended up committing suicide.

BCB blames Zaid Hamid’s deceptive propaganda for Asia Cup loss

In a rather bizarre follow-up to ACC’s rejection of BCB’s earlier appeal regarding last over collision, it seems that BCB cricket operations chairman Enayet Hossain Siraj will not just let the big bad boys bully the minnows any longer.

In startling claim, Siraj claimed that the real reason Bangladesh lost was due to ‘constant and deceptive propaganda done by a nostalgic facebook page owned by a certain Syed Zaid Zaman Hamid’.

“He constantly kept telling our nation that somehow Pakistanis and us are actually one and their is no need to worry over trivial things such as winning he cup!”, furious Siraj exclaimed while smashing his fist over the table.

In an hour long press conference, Siraj revealed that BCB will be filing another appeal to review the Asia Cup final result because the propagandist had addled Bangladesh cricketers brains. In his own words, this came under ‘cross-nation-hypnotism-fixing which is more dangerous than any other kind of fixing’.

“He even came to greet our players before the match. He must have continued spreading his deceptive notions to our players and since they are a young team they fell into his trap,” Sajid was quoted as saying while being on the verge of tears. “How else can you explain Mushfiqur giving the final over to Shahadat Hussain? Look at his age, he is just 23. At this age, it is easy for cheap mentalists to take control of the youth’s mind”.

Sajid was quick to dismiss any blame on Mushfiqur though. “Of course by the time he realized what had happened we lost the match. That is why he is the most visible player crying as he knew how his innocent mind was tricked”, he said.

Mushfiqur Rehman however showed complete surprise at the details of press conference. “If he is talking about a crazy fan who managed to enter our dressing room and kept calling himself a *faqeer*, I thought he was a Bangladeshi”, he shared.

“Of course my brain has not been addled”, he clarified while snapping at the journalist who made the query. Which was than followed by Mushfiqur getting in Tamim’s shirt sobbing hard. Tamim however was unfazed and kept admiring his check for being the coolest player of the tournament.

On being contacted Zaid Hamid confirmed that he did indeed go to Bangladesh dressing room, but that was because he considered it territory of Pakistan and did not see any point why this should be any issue.

“Alhumdulillah our azan did not go unheard and Bangladeshi players played like Pakistanis. They also crumbled while chasing a target after being in a good position. This again proves that deep down, they are still Pakistani and the tears of the players which you saw after the match were the tears of joy. The silence in the crowd was because they were in awe of the glory of our great nation Pakistan, which at the same time became winner as well as runner up of the Asia cup”, Hamid presented his detailed observation.

When this blogger contacted renowned columnist Nadeem F. Paracha to get his take on the recent events, he suggested that BCB chairman was probably giving way too much credit to Zaid Hamid and only real effect Hamid can give to this world is the need for aspirin.

He also made some redundant joke involving camels, but due to its stale nature, it is not being mentioned here.

When the tiger roars! O wait …

On March 22nd, Cricket world saw something that was never witnessed before. Previously considered minnows and one hit wonder tigers, on the third occasion of the same tournament, made another test playing nation sweat over an ODI match and came very close to lifting first ever real trophy which involved more than two cricket playing nations. It was no fluke. It was no luck. It was consistent resilience shown by the team who had the hunger and will to win the tournament more than other three teams combined.

But It was not enough. What followed after that was a group of grown men looking vividly in the sky, while tears floated down their cheeks. But it was not like what cricketing world now recalls officially as Sreesanth-looking-for-mommy-after-being-spanked-by-bhaji incident. They were like tears of heroes. Every one started showering praises. It would have been better if large %age of ‘everyone’ did not include Athar Ali Khan, but still, it was every one. They were like wounded soldiers who gave up every thing they had against a much larger force.

On second thought, they could just be …. you know tears. You know like toddler tears? Or like the time where you started crying when you brought the cricket accessories to the ground (read: your local muhalla street) and found that no one wanted to get you in your team? In short, like tears of whiners?

If you look closely you may see a tear trickling down tiger's mustache

The debacle that followed certainly makes it look like that way. One can ignore the silence and the boos which welcomed Pakistani players in the stadium after the win considering the fact that it was their first shot at such a big title or the childish act of PM Hasina Wajid, but how to justify waking up two days after the match and thinking they could get 5 extra runs out of an arguably unintentional collision which no umpire/referee reported?

Its like BCB is attempting very hard to bitch-slap any ounce of pride which their team gained during the tournament. And to gain what? The appeal has been rejected before the formal letter being sent. Surprise surprise!

What? Does this mean we lost again?

I would get out one thing straight thought. I have never been able to relate myself to Bangladesh in any sort of way. 1971 occurred way before I was born and although I feel sad and consider it as a reminder of how dictatorships split nations, that is just it. I mean at least with India, I can share a hate relationship, while with Bangladesh its just plain indifference. Ask any dejected drunkard lover. He would prefer hate than indifference ANY DAY.

Speaking of drunkards, Qibla Zaid Zaman Hamid Ghazi Al Hindi had left a very heart warming message for Bangali biradars. Wonder what he has to say now.

And if Qibla‘s message was not ‘loving’ enough, the comment right up there can really help lighten the mood right? I mean whats more loving gesture than attacking the separate identity of the nation which gained its independence from you people? That will surely help cheer up the already ‘lively’ mood they are in because of us.

Mujra of adhocism

It seems for more than a decade now that Pakistan is running on ad hoc basis just like its cricket board. The phrase ‘prevention is better than cure’ perhaps has never came across our leader’s minds who in order to cope with natural disasters went into ad hoc reactionary mode rather than plan for long term basis. The prime examples of course off late are dengue crisis, floods, the killer medicine and so on.

The policy it seems has effected overall the psyche of every one in Pakistan. We try to abrupt actions (or reactions I should say) whenever an unexpected happens. Team performing badly? Blame Misbah! Team performing good? Hail Misbah! A TV host gone Vigil-Aunty? Sack the host and do not ponder on how it boiled down to that point. A bomb exploded somewhere? Distribute the money to deceased’s families and promise for investigations and better intelligence in future. a killer drug does mazurka? Start the blame game from federal to provincial to inter city conspiracy.

What best example would be to explain this psyche other than the politicians? People changing their stances more often than Children do nappies. They make ad hoc u turns whenever they feel like it. Let’s take Sheikh Rasheed for instance. I do not know whether many people remember his interviews with Dr Shahid Masood before elections in which he used to boost about the fact that next elections would be between liberals and conservative and PPP along-with PML-Q (including himself) will make an alliance.

Elections happened. The prophecy which initially was unfulfilled got fulfilled later but due to altogether different reasons.

Still Rawalpindi’s blue eyed boy got nothing out of it but empty hands. Now the gentle man is attending jahidist conferences and has shifted 180 degrees. He will be as quick to jump off that ship as well as soon as he find coast guard service that can save him from drowning.

Jokes about MQM’s ad hoc shift of policies have gone so stale that I do not even have any punches left for that. Or perhaps I do not want to get a punch from bhai log.

But the most interesting ad hoc decisions can be seen from showdown between PML-N and PTI. It seems both parties in their bid to make quick pins over the other either lashes out at the other’s policy or adopts it itself with their own brand name. Indeed attempts by PTI to send Ejaz Chaudhry to every mullah convention might be just to have their own Rana sahab in order to get on the right side of right wingers.

But nothing matches Shahbaz Sharif’s latest stroke of a genius. It all started of course with the 30 October Tsunami. And just like our leaders cope with natural disasters, PML-N decided to cope this new possible political disaster with many quick fire jibes and ad hoc schemes. It tried to push Mariam Nawaz as a leader of ‘youth’. That move backfired faster than Ian Bell’s average time spent on the pitch during the last test series. I mean honestly how in the world did PML-N expect to win sympathy of those who are already fed up of dynastic politics? Calling Mariam Nawaz a leader of youth is like calling Obama a symbol of change.

I mean that move was seriously ill panned and perfect example of ad hoc decision making when facing an issue. Than perhaps they though to do something tangible to appease the youth. A long term planner would have probably suggested serious educational reforms, creating opportunities for employment, not damaging Lahore’s cultural essence perhaps? Or may be, just MAY BE, some sane head would have suggested not to screw up children’s future by actually producing a correct result for higher secondary education?

But of course it had to be done quickly and without any plan whatsoever. And hurray! Distribute laptops among students like candies to children? Who cares! Its not like the bill has to come to Raiwind is it?

But event that was not convincing enough. Shocker! So now we come down to stroke of a genius we were talking about. Latest move to ‘appease’ the youth is to put mujra CDs among software ones along-with the free laptops being given. I mean it is all about keeping ‘youth’ happy isn’t it? And generally youth of Pakistan is not known to think from what is up there in their heads. I can not name from where they are known to think.

So that’s it, that is the answer. A quick ad hoc move that will certainly make youth go to stamp the lion symbols on the polling day. Shahbaz Sahrif can afford a well deserved rest and PTI will have to think of something else to appease the youth because hearing Imran Khan’s pre -recorded voice unexpectedly over your phone is simply gay.

Somewhere in his lounge, Waseem Akhtar is probably having a satisfactory smile while smoking two bori-band.

Sab Maaya hai

It s a fine sunny morning in Karachi. A pulp woman is laying her head on the lap of man sitting on a sofa with laptop placed at her own abdomen. Whether the man has the certified nikah-nama-or-not is not inside the scope of this story. Two bottles of cold Murree Brewery are placed on the table nearby. Laptop screen is showing a New York times article highlighting recent controversy of “Vigil-aunties” which recently took Pakistan media, social sites and bloggers by storm.

“I have dreamt this day my whole life”, says a faintly smiling Maya Khan in a satisfying whisper.

A child Maya Khan was always picked up last for every thing. Her mother would put food in her plate after every one else has taken a handful, she would only be the last choice by her friends to be called to play ludo when no other was present to fill the fourth spot. She would often go to drastic measures like running with namehrams in parks, gossiping on phone on late nights (even when there was no one at the other end of the line), act emo, just to get the attention of her mother but it never paid off.

This predicament continued when she grew up. Samaa was the last channel anyone would want to be associated with. Even aunties would tune in to her morning show as a last resort just out of boredom of watching same shows on other channels.

“But all that changed now, didn’t it?”, thinks Maya, getting up and picking her Murree Brewery. One show and every thing changed. Now every one is talking about her. She is every where, all over the internet. No publicity is bad publicity. And every one knows the virtual world has effectively overshadowed the real one. As Maya peers towards the city from the window, she thinks of all the things she had to do to achieve what she has done now. Did eating policemen brains while they were on duty for finding a missing child from a hospital work? No. Did doing weddings for all the poor people work? No. Did causing earthquakes in wedding halls work? No. Hell even planting hidden cameras in the bedrooms of daughters of skeptical mothers did not work. She still found it difficult to even attract the attention of her own mother. Something had to be done out in the open. Something that would effect general public. And BAM! There it was. So obvious. Easiest way to get every one’s attention was to do something that will come right away as a shock. And if bulky women in mid 30s/40s, having fast breathing issues, with camera running around the park chasing couples does not give you a shock than you are either one of the aunties in that park yourself or you are somehow related to Misbah ul Haq and nothing can cause to change your nerve. She hit the bulls eye this time. Which other Pakistani morning show host has gotten her name in the New York times (Suck it Shahista!)? Whose pictures are being circulated on social media every where?

‘Me ,me, me, its all me. All Maya!’, Maya answers her own thoughts.

Meanwhile a door bell rings. Maya welcomes the guest in the house.

‘You are late’, says Maya.

‘Better late than never’, says the guest with a smile. He hands her the bundle of unknown amount of cash. The meeting ends with mutual respect and greetings for each other. Before leaving, owner of number of cheap clubs and party houses of Karachi once again says thanks to Maya for the great service she had provided to him and the resulting increase in his sales.

“Poor guy thinks I did him a favor”, Maya says to herself while putting the money in her safe. Life is good.

Disclaimer: This is a total fictional story. Even the references to real people are fictional. If any content matches with real life events, it is either coincidence or purely intentional.

10th Muharram!

Blood on cheeks
Six months in the hand
Sacrifice of peeks
Pouring the hot sand

The delicate gem torn in peices
No craft man can rebuild
Horses participating in wild races
Each thinking he killed

Solid rock like stone
Water has played its game
Hurting The Man’s backbone
While thirst remains the same

Master piece of eighteen years
It all went for goal
Leaving nothing but tears
Pain for pure soul

Alone in the whole field
Still unacceptable is, defeat
A call comes to yeild
‘O’ satisfactory soul, retreat

Victory shall be thou
Promise will be fulfilled
Its time to come to bow
A prayer has to be build

Xain GardeXi

Like any other day

Yesterday I had just gotten up after my nap for which many homeless would be willing to kill while it was unsatisfactory for me, when I switched on m TV. I was going through the channels when I just happened to chose one news channel which was broadcasting live updates about poor old people waiting in line for their pension. As I was just about to start eating breakfast which was brought to me by my maid neatly placed at the trolly, suddenly breaking news appeared.

A man died while waiting in line for his pension to receive. The bulletin said he had been waiting for his turn all morning and came early in the evening before that to get a better place in the queue but still his turn did not arrive yet. Perhaps he died while he was hungry. Perhaps he had eaten something which was not suited for him, but I rather doubt that our National Banks provide any refreshments for long list of people standing in queue.

*Chehra bata raha tha keh maara hai bhuuk nai*
The look on the corpse seemed it died of hunger

*Or log keh rahay thay kuch khaa k mar gaya*
And people assumed it was case of food poisoning

After all, old people standing in queue are very huge in number. It is better to ignore than him and present odd beverages to selected clients who come by occasionally to make their huge deposits. In an age where transactions are done through ATMs and mere sms etc, government’s most effective way to give pension to elderly are making sure to get them in line. After all, every one got to work hard for earning right?

I had once or twice had the coincidence to fill my traffic challan in National Bank on the date when people usually receive their pensions. I remember very well the huge line in which people were standing in the queue in heat. I had come by on my car and because it was not like my bread and butter was dependent on that challan receipt so I skipped it that day.

I did that because I could do so.

On the second occasion this coincidence occurred, I chose to stay in queue. Mainly because it was the last day and I did not want to go to *kachehri*, mainly because of my discomfort, rather than the double fine. While staying there I observed how toilsome it can be for all the people that have to come there every month receive the cash. There were few chairs on which some people were sitting in turns by swapping their positions in the queue from time to time. The ‘lucky’ ones who had managed to find or convince any young member of the family to come along with them were able to remain in queue through proxy. However there weren’t many.

Just like the case of person in question. No one could find anyone related to him at the scene at the time of his death. I do not know whether he had no immediate children, or were they too busy, or had they abandoned him for a long time or they were still his dependents for whom he was waiting their overnight.

Watching the news and the breakfast in front of me I did not feel like eating. But than I ate none than less. While eating I controlled a tear drop, kept thinking that perhaps I should leave the remaining *paratha*.

In the end I thought empty gestures hardly matter. If I am not willing to do something real for him, why waste time on pathetic empty gestures. I finished my breakfast like I would any other day. I went to office like always. In the free time I got at office I checked my facebook updates. I had meant to write this that very day. But among office works, my facebook chat and just-sitting-and-doing-nothing, I did not find time. Sometime during the day I would think of him, make a sigh and than continue my routine.

Just like every one in Pakistan would do so. So much death due to natural disasters, terrorism and God knows what else our sense of nation has died out. Or perhaps it was never alive and we are deluding ourselves with such petty excuses. Few days ago a father burned himself alive in front of parliament. In places like Tunisia, such things bring down dictators. In Pakistan, it merely made a third page news item.

In between the thought of bread and butter every day and our personnel problems, we can only perhaps sigh for others misery. Or repeat the footage on TV. It will not do anything of course. Old people die every day without sparking revolutions.

While some get national holidays and titles after their death, it is not the same for others. Who can say struggle to find *roti* is less than struggle for democracy. If you ask me, a person who gets up to find work knowing that his children are hungry at home is perhaps the biggest deserving person to receive any honor. If you ask me this elderly should get Nishan e Pakistan.

After all he represent everything about Pakistan and its people. Week, hungry and poor.

But who cares anyway. Life goes on.

What Aamir apology should have been

Dear country men, ashiqan e Rasool SAW, brothers and sisters, Assalamolaikum Warehmatul….. O what the hell whom am I kidding, lets get straight to the issue here.

Yuh yuh I have seen the video. So what? Well did you think I recite Naats all the time or keep on crying my eyes off thinking of my akhirah? Come on people! I need some break as well. And judging by the amount of ample time you people have in discussing my issue, I think you would do well with some break also. Try watching real entertainment for a change rather than getting b**ers from entertainment provided by social and current affairs programs of Pakistan’s different TV channels for a change. I would recommend ‘Two and a Half Men’ which of course I have never watched myself because of immoral lead character who wears shorts all the time above his knees. Whats wrong Charlie Sheen? How old are you? I think besides from an episode in second season where you were trying to impress some ex girl friend about your maturity, you have always been naked from a shariah point of view.

I know all this in theory of course. I do not watch Na mehram knees of men. Hockey players excluded, that is.

Anyways! Coming back to my brothers and sisters. Well seriously I do not understand what is the issue here. Are you honestly telling me that you have never heard a religious person swear? And I am not even a scholar. Damn those people who introduce me as mumtaz alim e deen. Try youtube again for a moment, write a name of ‘any’ scholar of ‘any’ sect and mention ‘exposed’ or ‘filthy’ with it. If you can not find dozens of videos for them, I would be happy to cut my hands off. Didn’t you see the faces of those two scholars when I did a jibe at their opposite sect? How do you think I manage to keep them all happy? I would make jibes at other sects in front of different scholars of different sects. Its all part of keeping every one happy. Ain’t that what religion is all about eh? Are you telling me you never ridiculed any third person just our of peer pressure or gaining favors from a fourth person?

And why just limit it to scholars. After all they are humans as well. What about you guys? have you never found yourself waiting for Mathira’s late night show after you have said your isha prayers? Have you never been in a gathering where at one time you are using curse words all the time and at the very next moment, you start debating theology like there is no bigger googler than you? I can not keep a tab on every wikipedia scholar, but I am sure there would be cases where on forums while people would be discussing ethics of religion, they would have a head phone around their ears listening to Shakira’s ‘Hips dont lie’. Who knows may be in a small windows they watch it too.

But i do not judge of course.

Ok I might give it you about the part with the whole rape thing. That was probably my bad. But honestly did you look at that bearded guy’s face? I think we need to look into whole ‘alu’ thing again and not single out Inzamam. And honestly if you hear the video without looking at it, you would think the guy was in fact an ‘aalima’ and not an ‘aalim’. With such a fry-pan-like shape and kiddish voice, it was really hard to control. What? Have you never really laughed like hell when some funny face started giving opinions on serious issues even though the matter was not funny at all?

So my dear fellas give it a rest. We are all same ‘thali kay baingun‘. Lets just all stay focus and piss Deob… I mean yahoodo nasara off instead of focusing on each other.

Keep it real \m/